Writing for me is scary; uncomfortable; vulnerable. It's nerve-wracking thinking that someone else can read this & judge me. When I am in person with someone, having a conversation, nestled into a booth or sitting on a couch, I have a little bit more control... I know how to maybe soften or emphasize what I am saying based on their response. Blogging steals that from you. You put it out there. People read it. You have no idea what they think, what kind of faces they're making, if it makes them think, or if it's just so boring they never go back for more. Blogging for amateurs is more for the author than the audience. Selfishly, I am doing this more for myself than anyone else. I want to remember my thoughts. I want to be able to easily recall how awe struck I was by a national park, or how much I cried my last month in Chicago, how terrified I was to pick up & leave what I had known as home, how many wonderful, yet seemingly small moments I had with friends. Additionally, I think it is beneficial to use other parts of your brain. It's hard. I want to be a person that does the hard things in life.
Bullet-point style, this is where I am with my travels, today, on February 8th, 2014:
-A week and a half ago,I moved out of my favorite apartment in the city, in Logan Square, on north California Ave. (picture this: sunlight streaming in from everywhere, a completely open kitchen, dining room, & living room, an adorable pie shop across the street, hipsters on single-speeds everywhere, and a great park 3 blocks away). It feels like a year ago that I lived there.
-I'm basically cried every single day the month before we moved out. I have self-diagnosed anticipatory grief. I expect the worst; certain changes in life turn me into a very dramatic woman. I will think that because something isn't the same it is completely ending. It was tough. (my deepest apologies to my roommate. Thank you for being so kind when I was such a wreck)
-I moved most of my stuff to my aunt & uncles. My aunt has bent over backwards helping me, organizing, running errands, finding tape & labels & envelopes & giving me opinions on what I should keep & how I should store memory foam and boots and paint. So amazing! My aunts have set the bar incredibly high for me, in regards to what it means to be an aunt. I don't think I will ever come close to being as good of an aunt to my nieces & nephews as they have all been to me.
-I have three shifts left at work. That's a tough one. In the last few months, I finally felt like I "fit-in" in my unit. Honestly, I didn't really think people liked me that much until I started telling people I was leaving. It's funny how people say nice things when you leave. Why couldn't I have heard any of that prior to giving my two weeks? It's just interesting to me... Regardless, I am very sad to be leaving my coworkers. I work with a really awesome team of nurses, therapists, social workers,etc. (& a few great doctors). I will miss the ongoing jokes I have with certain people, or laughing & shaking my head at particular quirks, knowing its "just the way the are". Obviously, I will really miss knowing what's expected of me, the fastest way to get things done, having all the phone numbers memorized, & knowing where all of the supplies are. But that is minor compared to the co-workers who make the horrible shifts bearable, look out for you when you are in over your head, or turn boring shifts in to fun, interesting ones.
-My plan for the next week is to hangout with people I love, soak in the beautiful Chicago sky-line, old buildings & tree lines streets, appreciate the beautiful snow that's covering all of the trees & keeps drifting down, and even try to enjoy the frigid single-digit temperature, knowing I won't experience it again for a longtime. There's something mysterious about how my actions have changed since I know I am leaving soon- I have enjoyed the snow more than I normally would, I love seeing the skyline every chance I get, I'll stay up later talking to a friend- knowing its "my last time before I leave", I fit more in my days because I don't know if I'll have the chance again. Sometime in the next 6 days I also need to send out 5 cards, 2 birthday gifts + 5 other packages, paint 1 chair, sew 1 monkey, get a teeth cleaning, buy a bike rack & a cooler, get drug screened, get 2 fingerprintings, pack my car, and make snacks for the upcoming road trip. (After all of this talk about everything I am sad about.... I cannot leave out that I am absolutely so excited to take a week off & road trip with my best friend across the country & do the entire Route 66 start to finish. It will be phenomenal)
This new blog is a new journey for me. Writing is not one of my natural strengths, but I hope in 20 years, when I look back on this, I can see that I am a better writer than when I started. And that I can be encouraged by the growth over the years.
Chicago, IL February 2014
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